Welcome to the first edition of #UpPitchCreek, where I randomly draw two cards from Pitch Deck and try to sell you on it. Aside from being really fun, pitching a nonsense business idea is one of the best ways to develop storytelling skills for when it really matters - like in front of investors.
This week, I want to convince you to leave behind all of your earthly pleasures for a new extraterrestrial life. Follow along on Twitter to let me know if you're on board - or how you would sell it.
Wouldn’t you like to get away? Tony Bennett may have left his heart in San Francisco, but we bet you'll leave yours overlooking the Mariner Valley during a visit to the Tharsis region on the Red Planet.
Mars is no doubt, the ultimate fixer upper. But the adage of real estate holds true: location, location, location. No other planet in our solar system offers a blank canvas with such a relatively easy commute.
We are Makeover Planet. You know how things down here have gotten a little crowded and out of control? Well, we have the solution.
What we do is provide a natural step-by-step system for cultivating a habitable environment to make colonizing a new planet not seem so much like rocket science. In fact, once you adopt our system, you will forget you ever called that pale blue dot home at all.
There are many things to consider about life on Mars. Mars is super cold. The typical nighttime temperature is -70°C and the average daytime temperature is similar to Antarctica. This means that you’ll need to keep your pets snug in a hand-knit sweater. After all, you wouldn’t leave the house without layers, and likewise, your furry friend needs more than just a four-legged space suit.
Now when you arrive, just about every two earth years you will welcome the Martian summer. This means barbeques, extreme home run baseball, and - you guessed it - global dust storms. These can last for weeks, and the light from the sun drops by over 99%. Put the sunglasses away and break out our patented micro-fiber astro-mop. And I can’t stress this enough: Martian dust storms are so much different than your average day-to-day buildup of debris and pet hair.
Don’t be fooled; there is a right way to clean up after these headaches. You may be thinking you should begin with sweeping up the six inches of red dust buildup on the floor - but if you do, you will only stir up the dust, not eliminate it. Instead, you should begin at the top and work your way down. Ceiling first, then the fans, working your way down the walls and ending with the floor. It is lifestyle tips like these that our custom killer app will deliver to you every step of the way.
Worried about how you'll get up there? Don't fret - we're doing more than decorating your new home. We've partnered with Alon Husk to launch you into space for your one-way trip!
What we need is a one-time $1.5M investment per person today - and then you can start packing. In one month a member from our partner flight team will meet you in Cape Canaveral, Florida for your pre-trip inspection. A short 300-day jaunt later, you will arrive atop Olympus Mons (Latin for Mount Olympus) on the surface of Mars. From there, you'll be directed to your new home via rover with a personal guide from Makeover Planet.
As an extra perk, remember Mars only travels around the sun every 687 days. Hurry and act now; you will be older on Earth today than you will be on Mars tomorrow.
How’s that for a limited time offer?
Are you on board? Have an idea you want to see me pitch? Let us know at #UpPitchCreek.